April 2012
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Month April 2012

How hot is it?  The swimming pool was so crowded today that I had to dive in three times before I hit water.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties. ~ Bob Hope

Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

What is a Pre-Existing Condition?

I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company. After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re […]

Health insurance is like hospital gowns; you only think you‘re covered.

A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men. ~ Conan O’Brien

Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

Ham and eggs…a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ~ Anonymous

Years ago, fairy tales all began with Once upon a time… now we know they all begin with: If I am elected. ~ Carolyn Warner

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.  ~ Amy Carmichael

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. And I think if I ever have a kid, it’s gonna be cordless. ~ Wendy Liebman

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. ~ Anonymous

Single people throw the best parties. They don’t have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They’re out 15 bucks. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore. ~ Anonymous

If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like. ~ Malcolm Forbes

[A] wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. ~ Thomas Jefferson

It is not the responsibility of the government or the legal system to protect a citizen from himself. ~ Justice Casey Percell

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. ~ Edward R. Murrow

If you have to keep thinking outside the box, maybe something is wrong with the box. ~ Malcolm Gladwell

If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.  ~ H.L. Mencken

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Governments never learn. Only people learn. ~ Milton Friedman

In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. ~ Shunryu Suzuki

Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ~ Oscar Levant

There is a thin line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line. ~ Oscar Levant

I envy people who drink–at least they know what to blame everything on. ~ Oscar Levant

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. ~ Oscar Levant

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left. ~ Oscar Levant

We are faced with insurmountable opportunities. ~ Walt Kelly

My wife can’t have children. She’s inconceivable.

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

Cult: a small unpopular religion. Religion: a large popular cult.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

17 Funny Buttons

1.  Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 2.  Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 3. Do I look like a freakin’ people person? 4. This isn’t an office-It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. I’ve found Jesus. He was […]

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

If you’re ever in doubt, throw a pepper in the air. If it fails to come down, you have gone mad, so don’t trust in anything. ~ Gregory Maguire

How did they ever get the permit to create the world? ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

What you seize is what you get.

A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time; it’s called a four loaf cleaver.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

Old skiers never die–they just go down hill.

Most people are fast to stop you before you get started but hesitant to get in the way if you’re moving. ~ Timothy Ferriss

Initiative is to success what a lighted match is to a candle. ~ Orlando Battista

Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things. ~ Peter Drucker

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Anonymous

The way the neurotic sees it:  bars on his door mean that he’s locked in; bars on your door mean that he’s locked out. ~ Mignon McLaughlin