February 2012
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Month February 2012

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. You can have all of it that is behind me.

To find your Robot Name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the expiration date and security code. What’s yours?  

Seen on a baby bib:  This dummy put my cape on backwards.  

I’m not arguing.  I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.  

FACEBOOK: The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K.”  

Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”  Then I remember–I am not actually friends with them.  

Microwave (noun):  A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.  

When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out.  

I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9 PM,” everyone is going to be there.  

There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it’s not a fence.

“Uncle Cosmo … why do they call this a word processor?” “It’s simple, Skyler … you’ve seen what food processors do to food, right?” ~ Jeff MacNelley (Shoe)  

Everybody in the world has the same amount of time every day, yet 95% of the people you talk to say they just don’t have enough time…  Hey, you got a minute? ~ jdm  

All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. ~ Phil Simborg  

A wedding ring should cut off the wearer’s circulation. ~ Gladiola Montana  

A woman’s word is never done.  

The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home. ~ Anonymous  

Friendship is almost always the union of part of one mind with part of another; people are friends in spots. ~ George Santayana  

Parking is such street sorrow.  

I went to Jenny Craig. So far I’ve lost seventy dollars.  

It’s a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.  ~ Albert Camus  

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s about $7 in dog money. ~ Joe Weinstein  

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. ~ Tom Waits  

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. ~ George Carlin  

The similarities between me and my father are different. ~ Dale Berra  

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.  

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.  

Oy to the World ~ Jewish Christmas Carol  

Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!  

Of all the nasty, low down, foul, dirty schemes I’ve ever heard, I like yours the best.

A fool and his money are soon….Hey!  Where’s my wallet?  

You and the CEO have something in common. You’ve both gone as far as you can in this company.  

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.  

Man…this recession…

The recession has hit everybody really hard… My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you must now call them and ask if they meant […]

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.  

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?  

Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra!  Ra!  Ra!  

Self Test for Paranoia:  You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.  

When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.

In the force if Yoda’s so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can’t he?

All Bibles are man-made. ~ Thomas Edison  

Be less critical more often.  

Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing. ~ John Andrew Holmes  

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Don’t hold a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.  

There Are Four Ways You Can Spend $

There are four ways in which you can spend money. You can spend your own money on yourself. When you do that, why then you really watch out what you’re doing, and you try to get the most for your money. Then you can spend your own money on somebody else. For example, I buy […]

Song writing is about getting the demon out of me. It’s like being possessed. You try to go to sleep, but the song won’t let you. So you have to get up and make it into something, and then you’re allowed to sleep. ~ John Lennon  

For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you’ve got. (2) Be sure you’ve got plenty.  

Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life. ~ Sandra Carey

The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish? ~ Myrtie Barker