February 2012
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Day February 26, 2012

Somebody is out there somewhere thinking of you and the impact you made in their life.  It’s not me; I think you’re an idiot. ~ Anonymous

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?  Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

Love / Lust / Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath   Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?” Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go   Love: Giving your […]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and then go to the fridge.

Who married whom?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.   If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.   If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp then married Jack Paar, then moved on […]

Easy:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

My wife has trouble opening jars.  Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A.: A little plaque.

What do you give a man who has everything?  Antibiotics.

A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Family is a little piece of heaven in advance.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. ~ Frank Moore Colby .

Take a look at your tax bills and you’ll quit calling them “cheap politicians.”

A child prodigy is a youngster who is too young to be as old as he is.