February 2012
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Day February 16, 2012

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.  

Did you know it’s impossible to say “Good Eye, Might” without sounding Australian?  (Honestly, how many times did you try?)  

They also surf who only stand on waves.

In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.  

You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard this notice.  

Hell is eternal, just like your marriage is supposed to be. ~ RescueMarriage.Org  

You can’t teach people to be lazy; either they have it or they don’t. ~ Dagwood Bumstead  

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. ~ H.L. Mencken  

Mentioning Jesus in speeches is small government.   Doing what Jesus asks is big government. ~ Stephen Colbert  

Notice that the younger generation doesn’t knock on doors?  They call or text to let you know they’re outside.  

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. You can have all of it that is behind me.

To find your Robot Name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the expiration date and security code. What’s yours?  

Seen on a baby bib:  This dummy put my cape on backwards.  

I’m not arguing.  I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.  

FACEBOOK: The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K.”  

Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”  Then I remember–I am not actually friends with them.  

Microwave (noun):  A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.  

When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out.  

I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9 PM,” everyone is going to be there.  

There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it’s not a fence.

“Uncle Cosmo … why do they call this a word processor?” “It’s simple, Skyler … you’ve seen what food processors do to food, right?” ~ Jeff MacNelley (Shoe)  

Everybody in the world has the same amount of time every day, yet 95% of the people you talk to say they just don’t have enough time…  Hey, you got a minute? ~ jdm