February 2012
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Month February 2012

Somebody is out there somewhere thinking of you and the impact you made in their life.  It’s not me; I think you’re an idiot. ~ Anonymous

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?  Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

Love / Lust / Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath   Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?” Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go   Love: Giving your […]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and then go to the fridge.

Who married whom?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.   If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.   If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp then married Jack Paar, then moved on […]

Easy:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

My wife has trouble opening jars.  Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A.: A little plaque.

What do you give a man who has everything?  Antibiotics.

A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Family is a little piece of heaven in advance.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. ~ Frank Moore Colby .

Take a look at your tax bills and you’ll quit calling them “cheap politicians.”

A child prodigy is a youngster who is too young to be as old as he is.

Winning isn’t everything.  Wanting to is. ~ Catfish Hunter  

The woods are lovely dark and deep but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. ~ Robert Frost  

If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it you might as well laugh about it now. ~ Marie Osmond  

A Right Way And A Wrong Way to Ask…

Two Jesuit priests both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their bishop for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. “Why did the Bishop allow you to smoke and not me?” he asked. “Because you asked if you could smoke while […]

In driving, there are two types of motorists–those who drive as if they owned the road, and those who drive as if they owned the car.  

The Ten Commandments Of Street Smarts (Mark H. McCormack)

1.  Never underestimate the importance of money.  It’s how business people keep score! 2.  Never overestimate the value of money.  Cash is important, but sometimes not as important as respect, thanks, integrity, or the thrill of a job well done. 3.  You can never have too many friends in business…  Given a choice always do […]

Society doesn’t have values. People have values. ~ Milton Friedman  

Sometimes I feel like I’m just circling the airport. ~ Grace Hodgson  

I’m perfectly willing to compromise, but God wants to have everything his own way. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant  

I don’t know if I can live on my income or not–the government won’t let me try it. ~ Bob Thaves  

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.  

Does anyone else have that light switch in your house that you really don’t know what it goes to?  

Recipe for disaster?  We live in a country that has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

To Whom it May Concern: I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar  

I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.  

Chicken pot pie sounds like a good idea. If you add commas.  

Inflation hasn’t ruined everything.  A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.  

I’m no different from anybody else with two arms, two legs, and forty-two-hundred hits. ~ Pete Rose    

I told my wife we don’t communicate well. She told me to shut up.  

…if you’re too loyal to your own suffering, you forget that others suffer, too. ~ Teju Cole  

There is no how it is, only how it is for you. ~ Tim Brownson  

We experience life as a continuity, and only after it falls away, after it becomes the past, do we see its discontinuities.  The past, if there is such a thing, is mostly empty space, great expanses of nothing, in which significant persons and events float. ~ Teju Cole  

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.  

Did you know it’s impossible to say “Good Eye, Might” without sounding Australian?  (Honestly, how many times did you try?)  

They also surf who only stand on waves.

In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.  

You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard this notice.  

Hell is eternal, just like your marriage is supposed to be. ~ RescueMarriage.Org  

You can’t teach people to be lazy; either they have it or they don’t. ~ Dagwood Bumstead  

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. ~ H.L. Mencken  

Mentioning Jesus in speeches is small government.   Doing what Jesus asks is big government. ~ Stephen Colbert  

Notice that the younger generation doesn’t knock on doors?  They call or text to let you know they’re outside.