January 2012
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Day January 5, 2012

How strange to use “you only live once” as an excuse to throw life away. ~ Bill Copeland  

You should never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~ Kimberly Johnson

If you watch Cinderella backwards, it’s about a woman who learns her place. If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.  

Allergy Alert: This status update may contain peanuts.  

I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth does.  

I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of “Cocoon” on my drive to work!  Ahh, Florida…  

The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.  

How can we disagree when I’m so right?  

Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you’re lying becomes less important.  

I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.  

Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny.  Period.  

I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…  

It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Target discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn’t work though…I only got 10% off.  

Procrastinators will one day rule the world! Just not today…  

This status is in Spanish when you aren’t looking.  

I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me.  

There are two ways for a lady to impress a man: 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.  

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I do many things well. None of which generate income.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with the white crayon.

I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn’t work that way?

Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God’s punishment for what you did during the weekend.  

Today’s show is brought to you by the letters W T F.  

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.  It took me ten minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.  

My attention span would be much longer if things weren’t so darn shiny!  

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever  encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. ~ Steve Jobs  

The “kingdom of Heaven” is a condition of the heart–not something that comes “upon the earth” or “after death.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche  

I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues … to underestimate one’s self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one’s own powers. ~ Sherlock Holmes