January 2012
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Month January 2012

I went to a seafood dance party last week and pulled a mussel.  

A Massive Dose of Steven Wright…

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.  ~ Steven Wright   Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?  ~ Steven Wright   Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?  ~ Steven Wright   How come abbreviated is such a long word?  ~ […]

Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?  ~ Steven Wright  

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.  ~ Steven Wright  

How should we train memory to learn to forget? ~ Stanislaw J. Lec  

What do I believe? I believe in God, if He exists. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec  

Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec  

If you give some bosses an inch they think they’re a ruler.  

Implement now, perfect later. ~ Larry Winget  

You can’t do everything at once, but you can do something at once. ~ Zig Ziglar  

Most people spend their entire lives on a fantasy island called ‘Someday I’ll…’ ~ Denis Waitley

Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea?  Nothing! ~ Donald Gardner  

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer  

To a brave man, good and bad luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both. ~ St. Catherine of Siena  

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~ Christopher Columbus  

One Pun Upun Another…

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.    ++   If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.   What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.   Every calendar’s days are numbered.   Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.   When the electricity went off during […]

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.  

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.  A psychotic is the man who lives in it.  A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. ~ Jerome Lawrence

The neurotic believes that life has meaning, but that his life hasn’t. ~ Mignon McLaughlin  

The neurotic usually obeys his own Golden Rule:  Hate thy neighbor as thyself. ~ Mignon McLaughlin  

The greatest unsolved theorem in mathematics is why some people are better at it than others. ~ Adrian Mathesis  

Teach a man to fish and you’ll feed him for the rest of his life. Teach a man to phish and he’ll clean out your bank account.  

What does a blonde say when she sees a banana skin on the floor? Oh great… I’m gonna trip again.  ++  

I think my wife has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.  

There are two reasons why some folks don’t mind their own business. No mind, No business.  

The wife told me she’s got it made.  She has a husband and a TV set…and they’re both working.  

I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.  

I worry that the person who thought up Rap may be thinking up something else.  

A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it’s an undo-it-yourself project.  

If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful, she’ll overlook most of his other lies.  

I have a strong will but a weak won’t.  

Examine what is said, not who speaks.  

Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.  

Come to the dark side–we have cookies.  

Any fool can know. The point is to understand. ~ Albert Einstein  

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

The buck doesn’t even slow down here!  

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.  

Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.  

Cherish that awkward moment when you’re eavesdropping on a stranger’s conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

You don’t have to understand to be understanding.  

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! ~ Anonymous  

If you had x-ray vision and closed your eyes, could you still see?  

Confidence is sexy.  

Being single doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re strong enough to wait for what you really deserve. ~ Anonymous  

Never fall for a person who isn’t willing to catch you.  

You know you’re getting old when people start telling you how young you look.    

Never apologize for what you feel. It’s like saying sorry for being real.  

People who do only what is required of them are, in a sense, slaves. Those who do more are free. ~ Anonymous  

If an excuse is good enough, we call it a reason.