November 2011
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Month November 2011

If you receive something that says, ‘Send this to everyone you know,’ pretend you don’t know me.  

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.  

For all you do, His blood’s for you!  

The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.  ++  

If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?  

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.  

We’re all our fathers’ fastest swimmers.  

Rap is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Why do they call it a bumper if you’re not going to use it?  

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.  

I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.  

Save the Earth, it’s the only planet with Chocolate.  

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. ~ Robert Frost  

Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.

Whoever said the sun brings happiness never danced in the rain.  

Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.  

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. ~ Rita Rudner  

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. ~ Jimmy Carter  

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to quit while you’re ahead?  

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.  

Chuck Norris, anyone?

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.  ++ Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for […]

Who stopped payment on your reality check?  

Spiritual sloth, or acedia, was known as The Sin of the Middle Ages.  It’s the sin of my middle age, too. ~ Mignon McLaughlin  

One time, I almost won the World Origami Championship. But I folded.  

As you get older, don’t let society tell you what you can and can’t do. That’s what arthritis is for.  

Can you guys keep it down? I can barely hear myself suffering in silence.  

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.  

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.    

Dyslexics of the world untie.  

Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they’ve got nothing to lose. ~ Robin Williams   ++    

There’s no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another. ~ E. B. White

Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. ~ Tom Lehrer  

The world of knowledge takes a crazy turn when teachers themselves are taught to learn. ~ Bertolt Brecht

I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love.  ~ Jonathan Safran Foer  

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen. ~ John Steinbeck  

Many a trip continues long after movement in time and space have ceased. ~ John Steinbeck  

When someone says the word ‘exercise,” do you feel the need to wash their mouth out with chocolate?

Our ancestors used to exercise to get their food, now we exercise to get rid of it.  

We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do. ~ Oswald Chambers  

We can only create what we can imagine. ~ Robert B. Mackay  

Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.  

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.  

How much wind could a windbreaker break if a windbreaker could break wind?  

You have to make money first in order to make money last.  

If I knew then what I know now, I’d know more now.  

An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger then the brain cell it occupied. ~ Arnold Glasgow  

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.  

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Life is full of disappointments, and I’m full of life!  

It is not the function of the government to keep the citizen from falling into error; it is the function of the citizen to keep the government from falling into error. ~ United States Supreme Court