October 2011
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Month October 2011

Yes, children are deductible, but they also can be taxing.  

Everybody in the world has the same amount of time every day, yet 95% of the people one talks to say they just don’t have enough time…  Hey, you got a minute? ~ jdm

I wish I was what I was when I wished I was what I am now.  

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. ~ Robert A Heinlein  

A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you company. ~ Gian Vincenzo Gravina  

Will Rogers never met Obama.

What is the most famous and popular rock group of all time?  Mount Rushmore.  

If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience. ~ Anonymous  

Age is not an accomplishment, and youth is not a sin. ~ Robert A. Heinlein  

An armed society is a polite society. ~ Robert A. Heinlein  

Boldly going nowhere.

Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.  

Necrophilia: that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

You don’t become a missionary by crossing the sea but by seeing the cross.  

Change, accept, or leave.  

Your attitude is the librarian of your past, the speaker of your present, and the prophet of your future! ~ John C. Maxwell  

You should just say no to drugs. That will drive the prices down. ~ Geechy Guy  

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?  

If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams.  ~ Jason Love  

Reality check:  you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.  At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems.  You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life.  Losing weight […]

Women’s creed:  Men are like linoleum.  If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. ~ Anonymous  

Camouflage Condoms:   So they won’t see you coming.  

It is an open question whether any behavior based on fear of eternal punishment can be regarded as ethical or should be regarded as merely cowardly. ~ Margaret Mead  

Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. ~ C. S. Lewis  

When does a woman care for a man’s company? When he owns it.  

You shouldn’t compare yourself to others–they are more screwed up than you think. ~ Anonymous

I love being married.  I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. ~ Brian Kiley

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. ~ Robin Williams  

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. ~ Emo Philips

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~ Albert Einstein  

Always be sincere.  Even if you don’t mean it. ~ Harry S. Truman  

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’  ~ Conan O’Brien

The only two things I don’t eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.

I went on a diet. Actually I had to go on two diets at the same time ’cause one diet wasn’t giving me enough food. ~ Barry Marter  

I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis.  I chose that name because if I hadn’t had her, I’d be driving one.  ~ Robin Fairbanks  

If it weren’t for capitol punishment, we wouldn’t have Easter. ~ Bill Hicks  

Pregnancy is amazing.  To think, you can create a human being with just the things you have around the house. ~ Shang  

The first time I walked into a trophy shop, I looked around and thought to myself, ‘This guy is good!’ ~ Fred Wolf  

I used to be driven, but I pulled over. ~ Heidi Joyce  

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They’re there for those who don’t drink.  ++  

Did you hear about the blonde that sold her car for gas money?  ++  

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.  Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.    ++  

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. ~ Sam Levenson  

Theory and Practice

“In theory, practice is simple” ~ Trygve Reenskaug   “But, is it simple to practice theory?” ~ Alexandre Boily   “The difference between Theory and Practice is, in theory, somewhat smaller than in practice.” ~ Frank Westphal   “I want to move to theory. Everything works in theory.” ~ John Cash  

If you never step over the line, you’ll never find out where it is. ~ Anonymous  

I like the way you think.  It’s almost as if you don’t.

My wife and I have an agreement…I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run my life.

Sometimes the unicorn isn’t a unicorn; it’s just a donkey with a plunger on its face.

I’m always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.  

Just spent an hour at Wal-Mart and I no longer believe in evolution.