July 2011
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Month July 2011

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her. ~ Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.  ~ Peter Ustinov  

Christie-Davies’ Theorem:  If your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your conclusions are inevitably false. Therefore, by making mistakes in your logic, you have at least a random chance of coming to a correct conclusion.  

The child is father to the man. ~ William Wordsworth  

Murphy’s Law of Medicine:  Before ordering a medical test decide what you will do if the test is positive, or negative.  If both answers are the same, don’t do the test.  

What do you call three feet of trash?  A junk yard.    ++  

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.  

I sleep like a baby every night.  I wake up every three or four hours and cry.    

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.    ++  

When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you’re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor.  

Vivere senza rimipianti. ~  (Italian, “Live without regrets.”)  ++  

Franklin D. Roosevelt never said “The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself.”

Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.  

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as […]

Support your local scientist. Invest in chemical bonds.  

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don’t eat much.  

Clones are people two.

Scientists are planning to put 300 head of cattle into orbit.  It’ll be the herd shot round the world.

Baroque (adj.):  When you are out of Monet

Very few people do anything creative after the age of 35. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before age 35. ~ Joel Hildebrand  

A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal sex?” Mom:  ”Of course, darling, where do you think lawyers come from?”  

Who was bigger… Mrs. Bigger or her baby? Her baby was a little Bigger!  

What is the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver? The golfer goes ‘whack’ – “damn”. The sky-diver goes “damn” – ‘whack.’  

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~ Kahlil Gibran  

Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved. ~ Iris Murdoch  

Everyone lays a burden on the willing horse. ~ Irish proverb  

SHOW OFF (n):  a child who is more talented than yours.  

When I’m sad, I just sing.  Makes me realize my voice is worse than my problems.  

Did you know that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m mad?”  

Don’t let your ears “witness” what your eyes didn’t see, and don’t let your mouth speak what your heart doesn’t feel.  

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.  

Everyone always talks about the early bird.  How about the early worm? How’d that work out for him?  

God loves me even when I don’t forward those chain letters.  

If the world doesn’t end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.  

Beaten paths are for beaten men. ~ Eric Johnston

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.  

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow-worm. ~  Winston S. Churchill  

I feel we are all islands–in a common sea. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh  

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. ~ Picasso  

One man with courage makes a majority. ~ Andrew Jackson  

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.  

I try to be positive.  Except on medical tests.  

Sometimes I wonder if it would be different if I HAD forwarded those chain emails.  

A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.  

Statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.  

The wife says a man who has lost 90% of his thought process is commonly referred to as a widower.  

Feeling a little drowsy…I’m sure there’s a nap for that.  

I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone.  Who knew they made one night stands!?  

FACT:  sharks will only attack you if you are wet.  

Why do you never see any midgets in prison? Is it because they get much shorter sentences?