May 2011
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Month May 2011

No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I’m going to assume the translation is:  Please think I’m cool.  

Can you grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?  

Many would rather check their Facebook than face their checkbook.  

I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.  

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t happy.  

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.  

Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

Want World Peace?  Replace oxygen with helium.  Who could stay mad at someone who sounds like a Chipmunk? ~ Anonymous  

If a creepy person asks why you never add your location to your Facebook Status updates, it’s probably a good idea to never add your location to your Facebook Status updates.  

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if certain people would manage their stupidity. ~ Anonymous  

Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. ~ Beth McCollister  

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.  

If Thomas Edison invented the electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as “candle making industry threatened.” ~ Newt Gingrich  

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. ~ Napoleon  

There are two kinds of fools:  One say, This is old therefore it is good.  The other one says, This is new therefore it is better. ~ Dean William R. Inge  

The command, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons. ~ Dean William R. Inge  

A Rabbi, a Lawyer, and a Priest…

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic.  They rush to the lifeboat and as they get in, the rabbi says:  ’What about the children?’  The lawyer says:  ’Screw the children!’  The priest says:  ’Do you think we have time?’

It is better to light just one candle than to clean the whole apartment. ~ Eileen Courtney  

I’m not into that one-night stand thing.  I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them. ~ Steve Martin (SNL)  

When I can look Life in the eyes, Grown calm and very coldly wise, Life will have given me the Truth, And taken in exchange – my youth. ~ Sara Teasdale  

Whatever poet, orator, or sage may say of it, old age is still old age.  ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  

I don’t believe one grows older.  I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates.  ~ T.S. Eliot  

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. ~ Marty Feldman  

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers  

B.I.B.L.E. =  Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

You know, I think the last thing I’d like them to do is beam me “Up Scotty.”  

Proofreading is my worst enema.  

Minimalists do it.  

If you can’t say ridiculous things with a straight face, there’s probably no room for you in management.  

My GPS would make the perfect spouse.  It sits quietly in the car, never complains about my driving, and when it has something to say, it says something useful.  

I’m pretty sure that if you have a chip on your shoulder, you’re missing your mouth.  

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight…  I’m just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.  

People accuse me of being overly competitive.  I’m not.  I’m the most non-competitive person in the world.  No one even comes close.

Facebook is where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you…  

How old am I?  Well I was on the R&D team that developed the formula for dirt. ~ Michael Marlow  

Osama Bin Laden:  World Champion of Hide and Seek, 2001-2011.  Welcome back to the top, Waldo.  

Whoever said “the freaks come out at night” has obviously never been to Walmart during the day.  

I love you so much that there’s almost no chance I’d use you as a human shield against a Navy SEALs attack.  

It wasn’t that long ago that I thought that every great idea began with…”Hold my beer and watch this!”  

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life.  I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good. ~ Bertrand Russell  

What do you call a bunch of morons standing on a corner eating apples, drinking Tab, and singing songs? The moron Tab-n-apple choir.  

Death and taxes are inevitable, but at least death doesn’t get worse every year. ~ Erwin Griswold [paraphrased]  

Advice to worms:  Sleep late.  

A wink is an optical allusion.  

A toast to the kisses you’ve snatched and vice-versa. ~ Anonymous  

A flying saucer occurs when a nudist spills his coffee. ~ Anonymous  

People of character do the right thing, not because they think it will change the world but because they refuse to be changed by the world. ~ Michael Josephson  

When one has not had a good father, one must create one. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche  

The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother’s always a democrat. ~ Robert Frost  

In peace the sons bury their fathers, but in war the fathers bury their sons. ~ Croesus