May 2011
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Day May 20, 2011

You know, I think the last thing I’d like them to do is beam me “Up Scotty.”  

Proofreading is my worst enema.  

Minimalists do it.  

If you can’t say ridiculous things with a straight face, there’s probably no room for you in management.  

My GPS would make the perfect spouse.  It sits quietly in the car, never complains about my driving, and when it has something to say, it says something useful.  

I’m pretty sure that if you have a chip on your shoulder, you’re missing your mouth.  

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight…  I’m just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.  

People accuse me of being overly competitive.  I’m not.  I’m the most non-competitive person in the world.  No one even comes close.

Facebook is where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you…  

How old am I?  Well I was on the R&D team that developed the formula for dirt. ~ Michael Marlow  

Osama Bin Laden:  World Champion of Hide and Seek, 2001-2011.  Welcome back to the top, Waldo.  

Whoever said “the freaks come out at night” has obviously never been to Walmart during the day.  

I love you so much that there’s almost no chance I’d use you as a human shield against a Navy SEALs attack.  

It wasn’t that long ago that I thought that every great idea began with…”Hold my beer and watch this!”