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Day May 3, 2011

There is certainly no absolute standard of beauty. That precisely is what makes its pursuit so interesting. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith  

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country. ~ Bill Maher    ++  

Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my monkey. ~ Beatles  

I’m not offended by what you say.  I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.    ++  

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~ Anonymous  

Decaf? No, it’s dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream. ~ Anonymous  

You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaagghhh!!’ and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. ~ Tommy Cooper  

Don’t watch the clock; do what it does.  Keep going. ~ Sam Levenson  

No man goes before his time–unless the boss leaves early. ~ Groucho Marx  

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. ~ Emily Dickinson  

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.  I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.’ ~ Mitch Hedberg  

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner. ~ Ben Bergor  

Dogs are the leaders of the planet.  If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? ~ Jerry Seinfeld  

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women:  a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. ~ Bill Maher