May 2011
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Month May 2011

It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.  

You’ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they’re not all recommended.  

Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don’t collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don’t really mean anything. ~ Norman Lear  

My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical–nobody at work has ever mentioned it.  

Women  say men are like mascara; they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

You know that feeling when you exercise so much you can hardly move?  Me either.

You’d think that after all these years of practice, I’d be good at waking up by now.  

Test a psychic’s ability with a knock-knock joke.  If they say “Who’s there?”–leave immediately.

I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money.  I think I should have chosen my words better.  

The first 30 years of marriage are the hardest.  I thought…  

This is so sad. Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone, who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now. There is no cure for stupidity and sympathy doesn’t […]

Woman’s equality to man is not a claim . . . rather a concession.  

  I’ve got a girlfriend with ribbons in her hair. Now what could be better than that? ~ Talking Heads ["Stop Making Sense"]  

To find fault with a person’s intellect you must first find their intellect.  

The concept of evil is evil. ~ Anonymous

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Jordan Yuscavage  

When the rain falls, it don’t fall on one man’s house! ~ Bob Marley  

Why is it we never hear of a self-made woman?  

It is said that the present is pregnant with the future. ~ Anonymous  

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its […]

What did the number zero say to the number eight?  Nice belt!  

Mother Teresa or Nike?

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do […]

It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.  

Murphy’s Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name. ~ Anonymous  

If a job is not worth doing, it’s not worth doing right. ~ Anonymous  

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. ~ Anonymous  

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ Anonymous  

You never run out of things that can go wrong. ~ Anonymous  

This manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ~ Samuel Johnson  

In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events. ~ Anonymous  

Make a list of things to do that you have already done.  Leave it where your spouse can find it.  

When you see a snake, never mind where he came from. ~ W.G. Benham  

When someone says “have a nice day,” tell them you have other plans. ~ Anonymous  

What is the difference between Humor and Odor?  Humor is a Shift of Whit!  

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. ~ Anonymous

I can go for more than seven days without sleep…so it’s a good thing I sleep nights.  

Can you… imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?    ++  

Heat causes things to expand. Thus, in summer the days are longer.    ++  

Illiterate? Write for free information.    ++  

Information is to be found in daily papers. We are informed about everything. We know nothing. ~ Saul Bellow

So much depends on being a person of depth. The interior must be at least as impressive as the exterior.  Some people’s character is all façade, like houses that, due to lack of means, have the portico of a palace leading to the rooms of a cottage. ~ Baltasar Gracián  

Even if we accept, as the basic tenet of true democracy, that one moron is equal to one genius, is it necessary to go a further step and hold that two morons are better than one genius? ~ Leó Szilárd  

Women who are not vain about their clothes are often vain about not being vain about their clothes.  

There’s a sucker born again every minute.  

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that’s the tricky part.  ~ Anonymous

There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness. ~ Countess of Blessington  

Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don’t set any condition. ~ Arthur Rubinstein  

Wondering why Facebook bothers to give me the option of “liking” my own comment.  Of course I like my own comments.  I’m awesome..  

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.  

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say “…in Jesus’ name, amen.”