April 2011
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Day April 9, 2011

I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas because I think it would be cool to … poke a Hontas.  

My bank is the worst. They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke. ~ Anonymous

I’d rather lose myself in passion than lose my passion. ~ Jacques Mayol  

If you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty. ~ Marilyn Monroe  

BLAMESTORMING (n):  Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.    ++  

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE (v, intran):  The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.  

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. :   A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.  

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.  ++  

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.  

My license plate says PMS.  Nobody cuts me off. ~ Wendy Liebman  

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? ~ Benny Hill  

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia.  Let them walk to school like I did. ~ Yogi Berra  

That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore. ~ Yogi Berra  

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. ~ Yogi Berra  

The future ain’t what it used to be. ~ Yogi Berra  

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical. ~ Yogi Berra     ++  

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. ~ Johnny Carson    

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? ~ Robin Williams  

I can’t do this sober. ~ Steve Czerny    

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?  ++  

Can’t the postman give it to the garbage man and save us the hassle?  ++  

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. ~ P. J. O’Rourke  ++  

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.  If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. ~ P. J. O’Rourke    

America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. ~ P. J. O’Rourke    ++  

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.  And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. ~ Bob Newhart  

WHO’S GUILTY HERE?… A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts “Quick…my husband’s home!” Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

I’m playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order. ~ Eric Morecambe  

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. ~ Bob Monkhouse  ++  

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~ Spike Milligan  

I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. ~ Bob Monkhouse  

My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my yard. ~ Eric Morecambe

How long was I in the army?  Five foot eleven. ~ Spike Milligan  

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~ Spike Milligan  

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~ Spike Milligan  

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan  

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. ~ Dennis Miller  

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R. ~ Dennis Miller  

Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. ~ Dennis Miller  

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. ~ Dennis Miller  

The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’ dart board. ~ Dennis Miller  

I’m like Bush;  I see the world more like checkers than chess. ~ Dennis Miller  

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. ~ Dennis Miller  

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. ~ Jackie Mason  

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason  

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant–even if they wanted to be one? ~ Jackie Mason  

Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx  

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. ~ Groucho Marx  

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. ~ Groucho Marx