March 2011
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Month March 2011

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~ Bible, James 1:27 (N.I.V.)

By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower. ~ Rabindrath Tagore

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. ~ Albert Einstein

She was a beauty in her youth, a fact which she alone remembers. ~ Benjamin Constant

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes.  It is not something physical. ~ Sophia Loren

Beauty gets the attention, personality gets the heart.

So many assume … so few know.

Haters only hate the people they can’t have or the people they can’t be.

Don’t just live, prove you exist.

Opening the door for a lady is not optional, and will never go out of style. ~ Andy Rutledge

Stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.”

Optimist:  A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery. ~ Walter Winchell

One of the great disadvantages of hurry is that it takes such a long time. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. ~ Robert Orben

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them. ~ Hippocrates

Talent is being able to sell what you’re feeling. ~ Elvis Presley

The only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one. ~ Elvis Presley

Useless laws weaken necessary laws. ~ Charles de Secondat

Do not fear if others don’t understand you; fear only not to understand others. ~ Confucius

Great thoughts reduced to practice become great acts. ~ William Hazlitt

Most forms of courage aren’t especially visible. Most courage, in fact, is quiet. Often it is the refusal to do something, and such refusals may happen out of sight in private moments and hidden places. ~ Frank Deford

The poet doesn’t invent.  He listens. ~ Jean Cocteau

It is fortunate to be of high birth, but it is no less so to be of such character that people do not care to know whether you are or are not. ~ Jean De La Bruyere

When a book raises your spirit, and inspires you with noble and manly thoughts, seek for no other test of its excellence.  It is good, and made by a good workman. ~ Jean De La Bruyere

If you think you have it tough, read history books. ~ Bill Maher

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights. ~ Jay London

I don’t need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. ~ Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow? ~ Jay London  ++

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, ‘cause we have nicknames.  So I named my private part Pride… it’s not much but at least I have my Pride. ~ Jay London

Wherever we’ve traveled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water. ~ David Letterman

Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. ~ David Letterman

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime.  From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets. ~ Jay Leno

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things–not the great occasions–that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~ Bob Hope

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~ Bob Hope

I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money. ~ Bob Hope

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection.  But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. ~ Jay Leno

The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have. ~ Ring Lardner

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered. ~ Ring Lardner

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve. ~ Ring Lardner

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. ~ Alan King

I’m a one-man idiot. ~ Eddie Izzard

I do benefits for all religions; I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. ~ Bob Hope

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. ~ Bob Hope

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. ~ Benny Hill

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~ Bill Hicks

Happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions. ~ Saul Bellow

I’m a heroine addict.  I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! ~ Mitch Hedberg