March 2011
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Day March 20, 2011

If you think you have it tough, read history books. ~ Bill Maher

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights. ~ Jay London

I don’t need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. ~ Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow? ~ Jay London  ++

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, ‘cause we have nicknames.  So I named my private part Pride… it’s not much but at least I have my Pride. ~ Jay London

Wherever we’ve traveled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water. ~ David Letterman

Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. ~ David Letterman

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime.  From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets. ~ Jay Leno

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things–not the great occasions–that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~ Bob Hope

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~ Bob Hope

I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money. ~ Bob Hope

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection.  But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. ~ Jay Leno

The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have. ~ Ring Lardner

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered. ~ Ring Lardner

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve. ~ Ring Lardner

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. ~ Alan King

I’m a one-man idiot. ~ Eddie Izzard

I do benefits for all religions; I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. ~ Bob Hope

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. ~ Bob Hope

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. ~ Benny Hill

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~ Bill Hicks

Happiness can only be found if you can free yourself of all other distractions. ~ Saul Bellow

I’m a heroine addict.  I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up position. ~ Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss. ~ Dick Gregory

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine. ~ Dick Gregory

I never learned hate at home, or shame.  I had to go to school for that. ~ Dick Gregory

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr. stamp–just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man. ~ Dick Gregory

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. ~ Dick Gregory

If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice. ~ George Gobel

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes? ~ George Gobel     ++

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first. ~ Janeane Garofalo

Is being an idiot like being high all the time? ~ Janeane Garofalo

Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. ~ Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue. ~ Stephen Fry

I don’t need you to remind me of my age.  I have a bladder to do that for me. ~ Stephen Fry

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. ~ Al Franken

It’s the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you. ~ Al Franken   ++

It’s easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world. ~ Al Franken

If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. ~ Jeff Foxworthy ++

I have never been jealous.  Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? ~ Jeff Foxworthy

It’s a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. ~ Jeff Foxworthy