February 2011
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Month February 2011

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” ~ Quentin Crisp

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. ~ Douglas Adams

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. ~ F. P. Jones

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. ~ Martin Mull

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ~ Emo Phillips    ++

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~ A. Whitney Brown   ++

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. ~ Dave Barry

To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].

Amdahl’s First Law of Analogies:  Although the universe may be like a watermelon, and the stars like its seeds, never mistake your watermelon for the universe.

Like pilgrims to the appointed place we tend; The world’s an inn, and death the journey’s end. ~ John Dryden

Better shun the bait, than struggle in the snare. ~ John Dryden

But far too numerous was the herd of such,  who think too little and who talk too much. ~ John Dryden

People will believe anything if you whisper it. ~ Louis Nizer

It needs no dictionary of quotations to remind me that the eyes are the windows of the soul. ~ Max Beerbohm

Everyone has free will, but some have more than others.

If you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument.

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. ~ George Jessel

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes. ~ Robert Benchley  ++

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.  ~ William Davis

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.  ~ William James

All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin.  ~ Lord Byron

There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared:  twins. ~ Josh Billings    ++

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look … twins!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The God to whom little boys say their prayers has a face very like their mother’s. ~ James Matthew Barrie

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.    ++

Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

Murphy’s Law of Philosophy:  There are some things which are impossible to know–but it is impossible to know these things.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

Don’t make the wrong mistakes.  ++

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?  ++

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?  ~ Steven Wright

So what is the speed of dark?  ~ Steven Wright

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? ~ Steven Wright

Men are probably nearer the central truth in their superstitions than in their science.  ~ Henry David Thoreau

Optimists and pessimists differ only on the date of the end of the world. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Only geniuses and idiots are mentally self-sufficient. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  ~ Anonymous

The world began without man, and it will end without him. ~ Claude Lévi-Strauss

Neither irony or sarcasm is argument. ~ Rufus Choate

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument ~ Richard Whately

Life is short; break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. ~ Anonymous

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. ~ Jascha Heifetz

I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.