January 2011
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Day January 19, 2011

Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most. ~ Joseph Wood Krutch

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before. ~ Kin Hubbard

I can always tell when the mother in law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. ~ Les Dawson

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, “Make me a zombie.”  He said, “‘God beat me to it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are preserved into perpetuity by a nation’s proverbs, fables, folk sayings and quotations. ~ William Feather

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. ~ William Feather

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.  ~ William Feather

Beware of the man who won’t be bothered with details. ~ William Feather

A hotel isn’t like a home, but it’s better than being a house guest. ~ William Feather

Instant gratification takes too long. ~ Carrie Fisher

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. ~ William Feather

A good listener is usually thinking about something else. ~ Kin Hubbard

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown tie. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.  ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general–he offered me a cigarette. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood.  I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Change is such hard work. ~ Billy Crystal

“Bambi,” to a kid, was scary. ~ Billy Crystal

When you become senile, you won’t know it. ~ Bill Cosby

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.  When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. ~ Dom Helder Camara

If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. ~ Laurence J. Peter

I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I’m frightened of old ones. ~ John Cage

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework. ~ Bill Cosby

It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.  ~ Bill Cosby

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. ~ Bill Cosby

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. ~ Rob Corddry

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~ Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention:  then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~ Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things. ~ Billy Connolly

Why do men take up crime when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest? ~ Laurence J. Peter

None of us is as good as all of us. ~ Ray Kroc

Life’s tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid. ~ John Wayne