January 2011
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Day January 2, 2011

Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?  Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Sympathy sees and says, “I’m sorry.” Compassion sees and says, “I’ll help.”

Sterilize:  what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

Sometimes God doesn’t tell us His plan because we wouldn’t believe it anyway. ~ Carlton Pearson

Some things that cost $5.00 to buy several years ago now costs $10.00 just to repair.

We are involved in precision guessing.  ++

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?   ++

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  ++

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?    ++

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?  ~ Steven Wright

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?  ~ Steven Wright

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  ~ Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?  ~ Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?  ~ Steven Wright

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?  ~ Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open, it is not a-door?  ~ Steven Wright

Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?  ~ Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.  ~ Steven Wright

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?  ~ Steven Wright ++

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?  ~ Steven Wright ++

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?  ~ Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next-door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

I am against using death as a punishment. I am also against using it as a reward. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled to happiness? ~ Stanislaw J. Lec If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?  ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Burning stakes do not lighten the darkness. ~ Stanislaw J Lec

Some like to understand what they believe in. Others like to believe in what they understand. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.  ~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can’t afford for services they don’t need.

Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

Of course you can’t take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer’s fees, and funeral expenses you can’t leave it behind either.

Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

When making out your tax return, it’s better to give than to deceive.

I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.    ++

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.

When glass breaks, the cracks move at speeds up to 3,000 miles (4827 km) per hour.

In just a century’s time, Islam has converted 1/3 of the world. The most common name in the world is Mohammed (See above).

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.

Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.

I’d rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck. ~ Emma Goldman

Someone has said it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think. ~ Emma Goldman

The most violent element in society is ignorance. ~ Emma Goldman