December 2010
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Day December 18, 2010

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? ~ P. J. O’Rourke

The only ailment chicken soup can’t cure is neurotic dependence on one’s mother. ~ Arthur Naiman

H. L. Mencken’s Law: Those who can — do. Those who can’t — teach. Martin’s Extension: Those who cannot teach — administrate.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Efficiency is intelligent laziness. ~ David Dunham

People will pay more to be entertained than educated. ~ Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. ~ Johnny Carson ++

Laughter is the best medicine–unless you’re diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list. ~ Jasper Carrott

Everyone cares what other people think. Some just define a smaller amount of “other people.” ~ Kyle Matthews

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for. ~ Jasper Carrott     ++

Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased. ~ Jim Carrey

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ~ Jim Carrey

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories. ~ George Carlin

Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. ~ Eddie Cantor

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way.  If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he’d get a Bloody Mary. ~ Red Buttons

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. ~ George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ~ George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. ~ George Burns

Grub first, then ethics. ~ Bertolt Brecht

The most painful state of living is remembering the future. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

When all else fails, offer a woman chocolate.

I have no solutions, I can only offer chocolate. ~ C.M. Pavelka

I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it. ~ Ford Prefect (Douglas Adams )

I should’ve been a plumber. ~ Albert Einstein

640K ought to be enough for anybody. ~ Bill Gates