December 2010
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Day December 11, 2010

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper. ~ Robert Orben

We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the godlike in ourselves. ~ Abraham Maslow

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian.  He can’t ask his patients what is the matter–he’s got to just know. ~ Will Rogers

Jumping for joy is good exercise.  ~ Anonymous

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Quotations help us remember the simple yet profound truths that give life perspective and meaning. When it comes to life’s most important lessons, we can all use gentle reminders. ~ Chriswell Freeman

To tolerate everything is to teach nothing. ~ F. J. Kinsman

Why don’t you write books people can read? ~ Nora Joyce (to her husband James Joyce)

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. ~ Ian Fleming

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~ H. G. Wells

Everything works out.  Sometimes it works out good.  And sometimes it works out bad. ~ Faye Kellerman

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be. ~ Robert Fulghum

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~ Anonymous

When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence. ~  Gary Lloyd     ++

Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. ~ George Washington

America needs fewer laws, not more prisons. – James Bovard

Reality continues to ruin my life. ~ Calvin

Charm is a glow within a woman that casts a most becoming light on others. ~ John Mason Brown

Modesty is the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. ~ Oliver Herford

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage. ~ Bill Balance

He is not valiant that dares die, but he that boldly bears calamity. ~ Philip Massinger

When you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target. ~ George Fisher

You see things and you say, “Why?”  But I dream things that never were and I say, “Why not?” ~ George Bernard Shaw

One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are. ~ Gail Godwin

Dreams say what they mean, but they don’t say it in daytime language. ~ Gail Goodwin

Media:  the plural of mediocrity. ~ Jimmy Breslin    ++

It’s hard for the modern generation to understand Thoreau, who lived beside a pond but didn’t own water skis or a snorkel. ~ Loudon Wainwright

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it. ~ Erma Bombeck

Drunks run stop signs.  Pot smokers wait ‘til they turn green.  ~ Stephanie Toland

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. ~ James Dent

When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower, Bush said, “This is great! A little oil rig!” ~ Jay Leno

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. ~ Mark Twain    ++

Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they’re staying away from. ~ John Erskine

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.   ++

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. ~ Dave Barry    ++

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’

Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: ‘I’ll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?  2B or not 2B?’ ~ Spike Milligan

All men are cremated equal. ~ Spike Milligan    ++

At eighteen our convictions are hills from which we look; at forty-five they are caves in which we hide. ~ Scott Fitzgerald

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. ~ Timothy Leary  ++

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Born free. Taxed to death.    ++

You don’t get to be a safe driver by accident …     ++

We did not all come over on she same ship but we are all in the same boat. ~ Bernard Baruch

The word “impossible” is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you’ll find that most of it is possible. ~ Evan Esar

Footprints on the sands of time will never be made sitting down. ~ Evan Esar    ++

It’s all right to break your word if you use a hyphen. ~ Evan Esar

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are alike, except that on Father’s Day you buy a much cheaper gift. ~ Evan Esar

The ideal gift for the high school or college graduate is a job. ~ Evan Esar    ++

If You Want to Drive Dad’s Car…

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your […]