December 2010
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Day December 5, 2010

Some people have such a talent for making the best of a bad situation that they go around creating bad situations so they can make the best of them. ~ Jean Kerr

A.A.A.A.A.:   An organization for drunks who drive.    ++

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Don’t boast about projects in progress.  Celebrate their completion. ~ Walker Lamond

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:  Best place in town to take a leak.

For those who have experienced the joy no explanation is necessary.  For those who haven’t, no explanation is possible.

In a world where everything is ridiculous, nothing can be ridiculed. You cannot unmask a mask. ~ G. K. Chesterton

Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.

Nature is defined as anything you would kill if it got into your house.  ~ Dave Barry

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch…

Q: Why are women more pessimistic about the economy than men? A: Because men are in charge of the economy!    ++

Congress does some strange things. It puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

A person doesn’t know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.  ~ Anonymous

The taxpayer–that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.  ~ Ronald Reagan

When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery.  When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.  ~ Vanya Cohen    ++

Don’t undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.    ++

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.    ++

I used to be sane. I got better.

A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it’s not permanent.

Jack Bauer…

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. If Jack Bauer’s daughter lost her virginity, Jack Bauer would get it back. Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

“Anything worth living for,” said Nately, “is worth dying for.” “And anything worth dying for,” answered the old man, “is certainly worth living for.” ~ Joseph Heller,  Catch 22

I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. ~ Kin Hubbard

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~ Jewish Proverb

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. ~ Julia Child

Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed. ~ Cornelia Otis Skinner

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Even Obama’s staunchest supporters are starting to leave him. Last week Michelle Obama demanded to see a copy of his birth certificate. ~ Ann Coulter

Fame is morally neutral. ~ Edward R. Murrow

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. ~ Edward R. Murrow

The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Freedom is not free, but the U.S. Marine Corps will pay most of your share. ~ Ned Dolan

Life is sometimes like Sundays in a strange town; one doesn’t know who to turn to. ~ Hildegaard Knef

The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore. ~ Anonymous

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had:  work, or prison. ~ Tim Allen

There’s still a double standard. The place where a woman sells herself is called a house of ill repute. The place where a man sells himself is called the House of Representatives.  ++

Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren’t.

I met a man who is  so narrow-minded, he only has one eyebrow.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a spouse? A. A battery has a positive side.    ++

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don’t show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents:  out-earn them, out-live them, and know more than they do. ~ Henry Rollins

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Always try to do things in chronological order.

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. ~ Old Farmer’s Almanac

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. — Plutarch     ++

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. ~ Salvador Dali

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.    ++

All stressed out and no one to choke.