November 2010
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Month November 2010

We’ll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We’ve already noticed a definite swing to the left. ~ Ronnie Barker

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. ~ Tom Lehrer   ++

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ Martin Luther King

Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us. ~ Earl Nightingale

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. ~ Mark Twain  ++

Halloween Jokes for Kids

A vampire joke:  What happened to the mad vampire? He went a little batty! A demon joke:  What is the best way to get rid of a demon? Exorcise a lot! A ghost joke:  What kind of jewels to ghosts wear? Tombstones! A demon joke:  Why do demons and ghouls get on so well? Because […]

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ++

Egotist, (n);  someone who is me-deep in conversation.

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.  ++

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.  ++

Hurricanes are like women:  when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

Life is like a taxi:  the meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. ~ Lou Erickson

When I said ‘death’ before ‘dishonor,’ I meant alphabetically.   ++

If you run after two hares, you will catch neither. ~ African Proverb

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. ~ Henny Youngman

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. ~ Robin Williams

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. ~ Robin Williams

Carpe per diem–seize the check. ~ Robin Williams

To perceive Christmas through its wrappings becomes more difficult with every year. ~ E. B. White

Luck is not something you can mention in the presence of self-made men. ~ E. B. White

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. ~ E. B. White

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb changes very, very slowly.

Once you label me, you negate me. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind;  And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. ~ John Donne

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

The world of knowledge takes a crazy turn / when teachers themselves are taught to learn. ~ Bertolt Brecht

Next to being witty yourself, the best thing is being able to quote another’s wit. ~ John Christian Bovee

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~ Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  ~ Anonymous

One gives up much to become a parent, made easier when two give it up. ~ Robert Brault

Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.   ++

Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child.     ++

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!   ++

If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.     ++

I’m afraid I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.     ++

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?    ++

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you. ~ Pericles

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~ Ronald Reagan    ++