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Day November 12, 2010

“Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”  Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.”

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you are sleeping with a relative. ~ Anonymous

The other day I was downtown, and I happened to glance over at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded. For a second I thought: Whoa, did I do that? ~ The Covert Comic

You know how it is when you lean back too far in your chair and almost fall backwards, but save yourself at the last second? I feel like that all day. ~ Steven Wright

Death solves all problems–no man, no problem. ~ Joseph Stalin

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. ~ George Scialabra

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. ~ Albert Einstein

Never take a blind date to a silent film. ~ Geoffrey Parfitt

There are two kinds of people I cannot abide:  bigots and any well-organized ethnic group. ~ Edward Abbey

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.  Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~ Albert Einstein

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.    ++

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~ Cindy Clabough

Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have.

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases. “I’d Rather Be Waterboarding.” “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.” “ U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.” “ U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents to Allah” “Stop Global Whining” “When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine” Naval Corollary: Dead […]

Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite […]

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning ‘containing arsenic.’

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. ~ Thomas Jefferson

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them. ~ Aristotle   ++

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.  ++

A Few Oxymorons

Deafening silence Bureaucratic efficiencies   Boneless ribs   Unacceptable solution   Vegetarian meatball   Work party   Live Recording   Feeling  Numb

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.  ~ Frank Sinatra  ++

Theodore Roosevelt was the only U.S. president to deliver an inaugural address without using the word “I.”  Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Dwight D. Eisenhower tied for second place, using “I” only once in their inaugural addresses.

“Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all:  “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.”‘

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.  ++

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank him for not having given it wings. ~ Indian Proverb    ++

A friend’s eye is a good mirror. ~ Irish Proverb

What do people in China call their good plates?

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.    ++

Until economic freedom is attained for everybody, there can be no real freedom for anybody. ~ Suzanne Lafollette

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Everyone who grew up in the 80′s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.    ++

I met a man so poorly read that he had to make up his own quotations from the classics.  ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

If the art of conversation stood a little higher we would have a lower birthrate.  ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

There are grammatical errors even in his silence.  ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. ~ G.K. Chesterton

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. ~ Stephen Henry Roberts

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. ~ Johnny Carson

It has been truthfully said that the world is equally shocked by one who repudiates Christianity as by one who practices it. ~ Peace Pilgrim

I consider myself an average man, except in the fact that I consider myself an average man. ~Montaigne

I have felt the wind of the wing of madness pass over me. ~ Charles Baudelaire

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James   ++

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. ~  Steven Wright

Did they purposely make dyslexia hard to spell?

Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?    ++

Your village called, THEIR IDIOT IS MISSING!

An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence – ‘Woman without her man is nothing’. The men wrote:  Woman, without her man, is nothing. All the women wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.’   ++

Q:  How do you get a blonde to marry you? A:  Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q:  What are McDonalds’ employees now asking customers? A:  Can you afford fries with that?