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Day November 11, 2010

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Baldheaded men never think of themselves as bald; they think everybody else is hairy.

Baldheaded people should remember that when God made heads, He covered up the ones He didn’t like.

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.”  ++

Q.  What are two things you should never do in bed? A. Point and Laugh.

I believe to forgive is divine, therefore I don’t.

Man:  Haven’t we met before? Woman:  Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man:  Haven’t I seen you some place before? Woman:  Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there any more.    ++

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ ~ Sydney Harris

The Buffalo Theory of Beer Makes You Smarter

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm Here’s how it went:  ”Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the […]

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.  It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least, you need a beer. ~ Frank Zappa

Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.  The one that grieves me most — ‘supper’.  Now everybody says ‘dinner’.  Save a great word.  Invite someone to supper.  Discuss fender skirts.

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. ~ Edward Langley    ++

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. ~ Rita Rudner    ++

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zig-zag?    ++

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?    ++

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and […]

Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. ~ Marshall McLuhan

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered.  Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, “It really works!”

The best way to remember a face is to put an identifying mark on it with a piece of colored chalk.  ++

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day. ~ Craig Sharf  ++

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. ~ Henry Rollins   ++

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is. ~  Albert Camus

The Bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go. ~ Galileo Galilei  ++

Political correctness is tyranny with manners. ~ Charlton Heston  ++

Don’t be so humble–you are not that great. ~  Golda Meir  ++

“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.) ~ Dave Barry

I feel so combobulated.  ++

I have a sixth sense–sense of humor.  ++

I saw a person today with a safety pin through their eyebrow. I didn’t even know eyebrows fell off!!  ++

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not”, then disappeared.  ++

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, “That’ll be $2.50.” The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, “You’re a little short!”

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

An unemployed court jester is no one’s fool.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.    ++

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.   ++

Everybody repeat after me:  ”We are all individuals.”

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

Losing a husband can be hard:  in my case it was almost impossible.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.  ++

I am kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of trying to make me happy. ~ J.D. Salinger  ++

If You Don’t Stand Behind Our Troops, Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!!  ++