November 2010
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Day November 10, 2010

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

A man should be greater than some of his parts.

Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

Q:  What did the doctor say when he finished the operation? A:  That’s enough out of you.

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.     ++

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

I’d like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.    ++

It is easy to sit up and take notice, What is difficult is getting up and taking action. ~ Al Batt

Do Something.  If it works, do more of it.  If it doesn’t, do something else. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sweat is the cologne of accomplishment.

I long to accomplish a great and noble task; but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. ~ Helen Keller

It never occurs to some politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting.    ++

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~ Robert Brault

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it–and some of your spouse’s family does too.  ~ Anonymous

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up my life. But I’d rather find my moon…someone who can shine on me during my darkest hours. ~ Dennis Gallemit

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. ~ Judith Martin    ++

People like you are the reason people like me take pills! ~ Neva Faith Linn

Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it.  ~ Salvador Dali

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

Please don’t squeeze the shaman!

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.  ++

It’s getting to the point where a guy can’t enjoy the simple things in life, like slicing a bagel and watching butter melt on it, without some idiot behind you blowing his horn.    ++

Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, “Take one capsule as often as you can afford it.”    ++

I use a bicycle now for short errands. Instead of putting the pedal to the metal, I straddle the saddle.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.    ++

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?  ++

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.   ++

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard.  They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off their clothes.  The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t […]

I don’t believe in spanking. I believe in tranquilizer darts.    ++

I was such an ugly baby my brother wouldn’t play with me. The neighbor kids wouldn’t play with me. The dog wouldn’t play with me. However, there was this one roach … Eugene…   ++

A tuba placed on your picnic table will keep campsites on either side vacant.    ++

If you can’t be kind, at least have the courtesy to be vague.    ++

No, despite what you read in the obituaries, people do not die in alphabetical order.

Men have become the tools of their tools. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I broke a mirror.  I’m supposed to get 7 years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me 5. ~ Steven Wright

Glyme’s formula for success:  The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.    ++

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The future will be better tomorrow. ~ Dan Quayle

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. ~ Steven Wright

I like to leave messages before the beep. ~ Steven Wright

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. ~ Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. ~ Steven Wright