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Day November 9, 2010

You might be a Redneck Jedi if… You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if… You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if… You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”    ++

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I refuse to tip-toe cautiously through life only to arrive safely at death’s door.

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.

The best thing about humor is that it shows people they are not alone. ~ Sid Caesar

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination. ~ Napoleon Hill

Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. ~ Anton Chekhov

NEWSFLASH:  Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. ~ Dave Barry

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. ~ James Arthur Baldwin

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you’re got music. ~ Sid Vicious

Where morality is present, laws are unnecessary. Without morality, laws are unenforceable. ~ Anonymous

A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the […]

No one can read our Constitution without concluding that the people who wrote it wanted their government severely limited; the words “no” and “not” employed in restraint of government power occur 24 times in the first seven articles of the Constitution and 22 more times in the Bill of Rights. ~ Edmund A. Opitz

Useless laws weaken the necessary laws. ~ Montesquieu

I now only have good days and great days. ~ Lance Armstrong

Sorrow makes us all children again–destroys all differences of intellect.  The wisest know nothing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Thousand Words Can’t Bring You Back, I Know Because I Tried And Neither Can a Million Tears I Know Because I Cried. ~ Anonymous

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. ~ Jane Wagner  ++

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? ~ Jane Wagner   ++

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’ ~ Tim Vine     ++

One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. ~ James Thurber

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all. ~ James Thurber   ++

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before. ~ Rita Rudner

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~ Joan Rivers

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling. ~ Paula Poundstone    ++

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. ~ Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ~ Emo Philips

I’ve upped my standards. Now, up yours. ~ Pat Paulsen   ++

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. ~ Pat Paulsen   ++

You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money. ~ P. J. O’Rourke

This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it or their revolutionary right to dismember it or overthrow it. ~ Abraham Lincoln, 4 April 1861

You must have been conceived at home; that’s where most accidents happen.  ~ Garrison Keillor    ++

If you rest, you rust. ~ Helen Hayes

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous–everyone hasn’t met me yet. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Noel Coward

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~ Mark Twain   ++

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.  ~ Margaret Mead    ++

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. ~ Lao Tzu

True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you. ~ Anonymous

Stand up and walk out of your history. ~ Phil McGraw

He said to her:  I don’t know why you wear a bra;  you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said to him:  You wear briefs don’t you?

You’re in the MODERN WORLD when:

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?” 4. You chat several times […]

Ever try to enter your password into the microwave?

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”