November 2010
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Day November 5, 2010

Hertz Van Rental is not a Dutch impressionist painter!

A modern, adult western movie is where the hero still loves his horse, only now he’s worried about it. ~ Anonymous

We were so poor, chicken soup was the water we boiled the eggs in. ~ Anonymous

Speaking of unemployment, the human brain has more than ten billion cells. ~ Anonymous

They don’t make antiques like they used to.

I am a part of all that I have met. ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

A gun gives you the body, not the bird. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Before enlightenment–chop wood, carry water.  After enlightenment–chop wood, carry water. ~ Zen Buddhist Proverb

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “So does that mean you don’t believe in the Catholic God or the Protestant God?” ~ Quentin Crisp

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~ Dylan Thomas

There are some remedies worse than the disease.  ~ Publilius Syrus

In a new sex survey they found that 8 percent of people had sex four or more times a week.  Now here’s the interesting part.  That number drops to 2 percent when you add the phrase, ‘With a partner.’” ~ David Letterman

You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough. ~ William Blake, Proverbs of Hell

Surely it’s no coincidence that the word “listen” is an anagram of the word “silent.”

If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible.  ~ Ram Dass

My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. ~ Anonymous  ++

The fly that doesn’t want to be swatted is most secure when it lights on the fly-swatter. ~ G.C. Lichtenberg

Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon

You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.  ~ Navajo Proverb

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.    ++

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head. ~ Terry Josephson

A good neighbor will babysit.  A great neighbor will babysit twins.  ~ Anonymous

If you’re going to tickle, use a feather not a whip. ~ Terri Guillemets

Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to walk all the way across the room to change a channel. ~ Anonymous    ++

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full.  And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?”  So I drank the water.  No more problem. ~ Alexander Jodorowsky

Do or do not. There is no try. ~ Yoda    ++

Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases. ~ Hippocrates

How do people get discombobulated?  Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?  ++

It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place. ~ Lewis Carroll

When I grow up I want to be a little boy. ~ Joseph Heller

Who depends on another man’s table often dines late. ~ John Ray

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Things are entirely what they appear to be and behind them… there is nothing. ~ Jean Paul Sartre

My kindergarten teacher hated me. She used to find any excuse to pick on me, especially during nap time. Like I’m the only guy who sleeps naked. ~ Brian Kiley

When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be doctor. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Indian Wants Coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and the other hand pulling a male buffalo. He says to the waiter,”Want coffee.” The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee…..  The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts […]

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head. ~ Ann Landers

We often repent the good we have done as well as the ill. ~ William Hazlitt

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~  Maurice Freehill

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~ James Baldwin

We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two.  We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about “and.”  ~Arthur Stanley Eddington

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it–and stop there;  lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well;  but also she will never sit down on a […]

No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.

When someone is yelling at you in sign language, do you just close your eyes?

Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A:  Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

I just heard from Bill Bailey.  He’s not coming home.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities. ~  Matt Groening     ++