November 2010
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Day November 4, 2010

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly. ~ Langston Hughes ~

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism and so much criticism for enthusiasm? ~ Anonymous

Why do people have “hot water heaters”?  If your water is hot, why heat it?

Why does the sun on the Raisin Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?

Next time you’re at a restaurant, order a diet water.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready. ~ Henny Youngman

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” and the mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, “What’s that for?” The pirate responds, “Aarrr, its driving me nuts”.

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, “Did you go to Harvard?” The bartender says, “Yale.” The North Carolinian says, “DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”     ++

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out.

I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way. ~ Anonymous

I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work. ~ Anonymous

Not saying she’s cheap, but I saw her squeeze a quarter so tight the eagle screamed. ~ Anonymous

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink. ~ Anonymous

Only a Southerner knows the differences between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and trailer trash.  ++

A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is – as in “Going to town, be back directly.”

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

There’s nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheek. ~ Andy Rooney

Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. ~ Andy Rooney

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. ~ Andy Rooney

Matricide:  Killing yourself on a bed.

Arbitrator:  A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.  ++

Aromatic:  An automatic crossbow.

Arachnoleptic fit:  The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

To Write and Speak Properly…

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. Avoid clichés like the plague (they’re old hat). Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. Be more or less specific. Remarks in parentheses  (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary. Also too, […]

Old soldiers never die, young ones do.

Old Italians never die, they just pasta away.

OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. ~ Albert Einstein

Whining is anger through a small opening. ~ Stuart Smalley

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. ~ Mark Twain

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. ~ Mark Twain     ++

Fortune knocks but once, misfortune has much more patience. ~ Jonathon Swift

I’m very proud that I’m smart enough to get to the point. ~ Harry Truman

I want to know God’s thoughts, the rest are details. ~ Albert Einstein

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects. ~ Will Rogers

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. ~ Rita Rudner

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~ John Mendoza     ++

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. ~ Dick Cavett    ++

Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? ~ Lily Tomlin

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? ~ Marilyn Pittman

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. ~  Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose. ~ Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~ Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. ~ Steven Wright