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Day November 3, 2010

Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational and very important. ~ Lisa Hoffman

Life’s short and hard, like a body building elf. ~ Bloodhound Gang

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must undergo the fatigue of supporting it. ~ Patrick Henry

According to a survey in Family Circle magazine, twenty-seven percent of men say that sex puts them in a peaceful state of mind. Fifty-eight percent say money causes them stress. So the answer is obvious — get cheaper hookers. ~ Anonymous   ++

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born. ~ Anonymous

I bought a bird feeder. It was expensive, but I figured in the long run, it would save me money on cat food. ~ Linda Herskovic

The internet oversight body has approved a special designation for pornography with the address ending “.xxx”. That is going to free up approximately 99% of what is now “.com” ~ Anonymous

Anyone who starts a sentence “With all due respect…” is about to insult you.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.

While interviewing an anonymous US Marine on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the Marine what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The Marine shrugged and replied, “Recoil.”

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. ~ Anonymous

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose. ~ Rita Rudner

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ~ Anonymous

My uncle got a vasectomy. Put it on MasterCard. Forgot to pay. The finance company came over and knocked up his wife. ~ Anonymous

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~ Woody Allen    ++

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. ~ Michael McShane

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When fish jump in the air, do they take a deep breath and close their eyes?

When you get older your body changes. Now I groan louder after a meal than I do after an orgasm.  – Joel Warshaw

I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you’re single you’re as happy as you are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment. ~ Anonymous

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together.  Solution? I sent them to her dad. ~ Christopher Case

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, “If you build it, they will come?” ~ Anonymous

Man is the only animal to whom an accent is important. ~ Anonymous

We boil at different degrees. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ~ Anonymous

An Oklahoma businessman reports that if his business gets any worse he won’t have to lie on his next income-tax return. ~ Anonymous   ++

An open mind, like an open window, should be equipped with a screen to keep the bugs out. ~ Anonymous

America is the land of the spree and the home of the crave. ~ Anonymous

Alimony is a system in which one pays for the mistakes of two. ~ Anonymous

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.  ~ Jean Kerr

When the solution is simple, God is answering. ~ Albert Einstein

A question that sometimes drives me hazy:  am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

The man who invented the alarm clock believed people slept too long or worked too little. ~ Anonymous

When an alarm clock wakes a man up, it makes him feel not like the early bird, but like the worm. ~ Anonymous

Everything that can be labeled can be hated. ~ Anonymous

The Longbranch Institute of Gluteal Massage: we knead your ass! ~ Anonymous

Sexy girls make men buy beer. Ugly girls make men drink beer. ~ Anonymous

L’enfer, c’est les autres. ~ (Jean Paul Sartre, French for “Hell is other people.”)

The belly is the reason why man does not mistake himself for a god. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche   ++

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were […]

Anything that goes to the trouble of happening was inevitable anyway. ~ Anonymous

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.   (Latin:  Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.)

Astrological compatibility is probably not an issue for necrophiliacs. ~ Anonymous  ++

A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove… but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. ~ Anonymous

Fine, DON’T have a nice day, see if I care.

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the people to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders.  Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance.  It’s going to get you into trouble someday. ~ Anonymous

Will you PLEASE stop opening pocket dimensions in the house?!

You are entitled to your own opinion. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. ~ Anonymous  ++

Nothing will make you pay an old dental bill faster than a new toothache. ~Anonymous