November 2010
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Day November 1, 2010

WASHINGTON, DC – On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. ~ Anonymous

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. ~ H. L. Mencken

Self-respect:  The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. ~ H. L. Mencken

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” The pharmacist asks, “You mean aspirin?” “That’s it, I can never remember the word.”

Patient:  Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I’m Mickey Mouse, some days I think I’m Donald Duck. Doctor:  How long have you had these Disney spells? ~ Anonymouse

I went to a ballet once.  I couldn’t even tell who won.    ++

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It’s okay as long as they don’t get in the habit.

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! ~ Anonymous  ++

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens. ~ Anonymous

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag. ~ Zig Ziglar     ++

You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want. ~ Zig Ziglar

You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations. ~ Zig Ziglar

Of all the “attitudes” we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life changing. ~ Zig Ziglar    ++

If you hold eleven different roses in front of a mirror, you will see the twelve most beautiful things in the world… ~ Anonymous

I am a firm believer in the people.  If given the truth they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts…and beer. ~ Abraham Lincoln    ++

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.    ++

I’ve got a mind like a… a… what’s that thing called?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.  ++

God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame. ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Even the best needles are not sharp at both ends. ~ Chinese Proverb

It is reasonable to have perfection in our eye that we may always advance toward it, though we know it can never be reached. ~ Samuel Johnson

Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it. ~ Salvador Dali

He who foresees calamities, suffers them twice over. ~ Bishop Porteous

There are four things every person has more of than they know; sins, debt, years, and foes. ~ Persian Proverb

Promises make debt, and debt makes promises. ~ Dutch Proverb

Debt is to man what the serpent is to the bird; its eye fascinates, its breath poisons, its coil crushes sinew and bone, its jaw is the pitiless grave. ~ Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton

A man in debt is so far a slave, and worse than a slave… ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thus, as Spirits, we are inherently, indefensibly divine, with all the splendor and freedom implied in that word. ~Annie Besant

Music, even in situations of the greatest horror, should never be painful to the ear but should flatter and charm it, and thereby always remain music. ~ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best. ~ Kin Hubbard

Life is just a chance to grow a soul. ~ Powell Davies

Life isn’t fair.  It’s just fairer than death, that’s all. ~ William Goldman

Any idiot can face a crisis–it’s day to day living that wears you out. ~ Anton Chekhov

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. ~ Calvin

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day

I drink to forget I drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

If you insist on measuring yourself, place the tape around your heart rather than your head. ~ Carol Trabelle

It might be a good idea if the various countries of the world would occasionally swap history books, just to see what other people are doing with the same set of facts. ~ Bill Vaughan

If a person wants to be atheistic, it’s his God-given right to be an atheist. ~ Michael Patton

How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – they get enlightened themselves.

How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – they don’t want to be enlightened!

There are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking. ~ Mary Lowry

All we have is here and now. That’s why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. ~ Gordon Lane

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier. ~ Bill Gates

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.” ~ George Carlin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. ~ George Carlin

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ~ Thomas Edison

Don’t look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you’ll know you’re dead. ~ Tennessee Williams