November 2010
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Month November 2010

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Don’t worry what the world needs; ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive. ~ Howard Thurman

Rather to excite your judgment briefly than to inform it tediously. ~ Francis Bacon

A man’s best friend is his dog, and his worst enemy, his dogma.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion. ~ Thornton Wilder     ++

When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it. ~ Ilka Chase

Fishing seems to be divided, like sex, into three unequal parts:  anticipation and recollection and, in between, actual performance. ~ Arnold Gingrich

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to be sure that one of them is a match.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.  ++

Some people have six-pack abs; I have a keg. ~ Craig Sharf

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. ~ Galileo Galilei

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. ~  Napoleon Bonaparte

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, “Do I come here often?”    ++

Male or Female, Everything has a Gender

Apples are Female–the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for them as they’re afraid of falling and getting hurt. Wine is Male–it begins as a grape, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of it until it turns into something acceptable to have […]

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.  ++

I was only looking at your name-tag, honest!  ++

Strip mining prevents forest fires.  ++

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.    ++

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

There are two primary choices in life:  to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.  ~ Denis Waitley   ++

He who is being carried does not realize how far the town is. ~ African Proverb

I just hate cocaine but love the way it smells. ~ Anonymous

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~ Zig Ziglar

Little men with little minds and little imaginations go through life in little ruts, smugly resisting all changes which would jar their little worlds. ~ Zig Ziglar

Do I love you?  My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches. ~ William Goldman

Five years from now, you’re the same person except for the people you’ve met and the books you’ve read. ~ John Wooden

Two possibilities exist:  Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Dirt is not dirty, but only something in the wrong place. ~ Lord Palmerston

We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together. ~ Jean De La Bruyere

Reason to smile:  Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Liberality [generosity] consists less in giving a great deal than in gifts well-timed. ~ Jean De La Bruyere

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Why are fire engines always red?

Fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. […]

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. ~ George Bernard Shaw

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. ~ Michael Jordan

You’re given the life you have because you’re strong enough to live it.

You don’t get harmony when everybody sings the same note. ~ Doug Floyd

Without Jesus there would be hell to pay!

Love is the breath of humanity.  Jesus is love.

God’s  Grace is hard enough to understand, I don’t want to imagine the “wrath of God.” ~ Mike Egts

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~ Danny Kaye  ++

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder. ~ Peter Kay

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. ~ Helen Keller

Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.  ++

Man’s commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn’t know. ~ Thomas Jefferson (?)

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. ~ Mary Wilson Little

Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future. ~ Desmond Tutu

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.  ~ Aristotle

One Liner Jokes for Kids

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer. What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?  Spare ribs! Who was the most famous French skeleton?  Napoleon bone-apart. What runs around a cemetery but doesn’t move?  A fence! What do they teach at Witches school?  Spelling.

What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.