October 2010
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Day October 30, 2010

At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don’t care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all. ~ Ann Landers

As a rule, Man’s a fool. When it’s hot, He wants it cool. And when it’s cool, He wants it hot, Always wanting What is not. ~ Anonymous

A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol. ~ Anonymous

A person is only as big as the things that make them angry. ~ Confucius

Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. ~ Anonymous   ++

Money talks. I’ll not deny. I heard it once. It said good-bye. ~ Anonymous


Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, “No business here . . . natives don’t wear shoes.” […]

Love the sinner but hate the sin. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. ~ Herbert Hoover

No man is too big to be kind…but many men are too little. ~ Matt Maguire

Before you point your fingers be sure your hands are clean. ~ Anonymous

Government regulations are a lot like catsup– you either get none or a lot more than you want. ~ Anonymous   ++

Three Breasts?

And God created woman.  And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.  And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and […]

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. ~ Jack Handy

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think our children should be having sex.  ~ Jack Handy

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em go, because, man, they’re gone. ~ Jack Handey

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? ~ Jack Handey

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. (You don’t even care, do you?) ~ Jack Handey

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, “What am I doing?!” ~ Jack Handey

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat. ~ Jack Handey

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. ~ Jack Handey

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand.  Come on, Marta. Grow up. ~ Jack Handey

Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are. ~ Jack Handey

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks. ~ Jack Handey

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. ~ Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like. ~ Jack Handey

I’d rather be rich than stupid. ~ Jack Handey

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Fly-trap. The Fly-trap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. ~ Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ~ Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. ~ Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me:  That guy sure owed me a lot of money. ~ Jack Handey

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. ~ Jack Handey

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason. I asked what she meant by within reason.  She told me I asked a lot of question for a garbage man. ~ Jack Handey

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. ~ Henry Youngman

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. ~ Henny Youngman

I gave my wife plastic surgery—I cut up her credit cards. ~ Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. ~ Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~ Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. ~ Henny Youngman

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henny Youngman

I’m so old when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front. ~ Henry Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ~ Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle. ~ Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. ~ Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. ~ Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy:  send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’ ~ Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. ~ Henny Youngman