October 2010
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Day October 29, 2010

So what is she doing back here where the past is never past? ~ Greg Iles,  The Devil’s Punchbowl

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! ~ Anonymous

PESSIMIST:  A person who says that “O” is the last letter in “ZERO” Instead of the first letter in “OPPORTUNITY.” ~ Anonymous

Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

I know violence isn’t the answer, I got it wrong on purpose. ~ Anonymous

I have no solutions, I can only offer chocolate. ~ Anonymous

Monday is the root of all evil. ~ Anonymous

To err is human, to arr is pirate. ~ Anonymous

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend. ~ Anonymous

Are you gaining intelligence if your wisdom teeth are smarting?  ~ Dave Matthews

I find it sad that I’ve always been so beautiful but people only loved me for my mind. ~ Dave Matthews

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  With a bushel of apples you can have a heck of a time with the doctor’s wife. ~ Dave Matthews

…so then she said, “Why don’t you just move the account to a bank that does have sufficient funds?” ~ Dave Matthews

Children’s underwear:  Fruit of the Loom for fruit of the womb. ~ Dave Matthews

Objectivity is a bias. ~ Dave Matthews

Bio-terriers cause cynophobia. ~ Dave Matthews

Seems like nothing is so expensive as another man’s vices. ~ Dave Matthews

Hot Toddy

An ounce of Canadian Club or Jack Daniels Black, an ounce of hot water, a teaspoon of lemon, and a tablespoon of honey. It’s called a Hot Toddy, and is an old Southern cold/flu remedy. ~  Dave Matthews

Have you seen the dyslexic sharpshooter’s new gnu?  ~ Dave Matthews

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. ~ Anonymous

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. ~ Anonymous

Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex?  What, you don’t like pizza? ~ Anonymous

I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? ~ Tom Clancy

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. ~ Oscar Wilde

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw. ~ Anonymous

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money. ~ Anonymous

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August. ~ Anonymous

The Formula for a Happy Marriage:  It’s the same as the one for living in California:  When you find a fault, don’t dwell on it. ~ Anonymous

The definition of henpecked:  A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife. ~ Anonymous

Sign in a grocery store:  Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll! ~ Anonymous

Smoking helps you lose weight…one lung at a time. ~ Anonymous

It’s not pretty being easy. ~ Anonymous

Beauty is only skin deep and the world is full of thin skinned people. ~ Anonymous

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall. ~ Anonymous

The difference between Niagara and Viagra is that Niagara Falls. ~ Anonymous

I misplaced my dictionary, now I’m at a loss for words. ~ Anonymous

Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He’s a little stiff now. ~ Anonymous

A speech is like a bicycle wheel–the longer the spoke, the greater the tire. ~ Anonymous

The difference between champ and chump is U. ~ Anonymous

He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome. ~ Anonymous

Palindromes date all the way back to Eve. ~ Anonymous

I got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine.  It said, Having a good time. Where am I? ~ Anonymous

I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making a salad isn’t going to relax me. ~ Anonymous

Sex is nobody’s business except for the three people involved. ~ Anonymous

You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you. ~ Anonymous

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. ~ Anonymous

Veni, Vici, Vidi

Veni, vidi, visa. = I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. Veni, vidi, velcro = I came, I saw, I stuck around. Vidi, vici, veni. = I saw, I conquered, I came. ~ Ummm, Julius Ceasar and others?

The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble. ~ Anonymous

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole. ~ Anonymous

Spelling is a lossed art. ~ Anonymous