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Day October 27, 2010

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. ~ Winston Churchill

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. ~ Gandhi

A woman is like a tea bag–you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt    ++

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~ Havelock Ellis

We’re all in this alone. ~ Lily Tomlin    ++

Oh, the thinks you can think if only you try!  ~ Dr. Seuss    ++

A person’s a person no matter how small.   ~ Dr. Seuss    ++

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. ~ Mark Twain    ++

I am not young enough to know everything. ~ Oscar Wilde

Don’t be afraid to cry.  It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts. ~ Hopi Proverb

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. ~ Seneca

No great thing is created suddenly.  ~ Epictetus

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for–in order to get to the job you need (to pay for the clothes and the car), and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in […]

A good way to keep your hair from falling out is to knot it on the inside. ~ Anonymous  ++

A good way to reduce your bills is to put them on microfilm. ~ Anonymous

Now there’s a book on the market for people who disagree–a CONTRADICTIONARY. ~ Anonymous

The world is governed more by appearances than by realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it. ~ Daniel Webster

Anybody who thinks there’s a shortage of coins hasn’t been to church lately. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the middle-aged man who thinks that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his trousers. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the man who marries his secretary and thinks he will continue to dictate to her. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the man who tells you what a fool he used to be. ~ Anonymous   ++

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today.  That way, at least you’ll get one thing done. ~ Anonymous

Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look younger.  Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. ~ Anonymous

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don’t they actually counteract each other? ~ Anonymous

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Now, isn’t that handy? ~ Anonymous

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. ~ Anonymous   ++

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.  But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you? ~ Anonymous

Diet tip:  Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.  It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less. ~ Anonymous

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.  An entire garment industry would be devastated.  You can’t let that happen, can you? ~ Anonymous

The problem:  How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.  The solution:  Eat it in the parking lot. ~ Anonymous

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. ~ Anonymous

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world. ~ Anonymous

This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?  (U R) ~ Anonymous

The Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. ~ Anonymous

Insert your Favorite Scapegoat…

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the […]

The Lion and the Gazelle

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. Moral of the story:  It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle […]

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust.  He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is even his.

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?    ++

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. ~ Anonymous

YAWN:  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. ~ Anonymous

YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed. ~ Anonymous

SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time. ~ Anonymous

RAISIN:  Grape with a sunburn

EYE CONTACT:  A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.  Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not […]

Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation. ~ Anonymous    ++

Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. ~ Anonymous

Did You Hear About The Dyslexic Satanist? He Sold His Soul to Santa    ++

The Pregnant Fireman

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge. ~ Calvin

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible. ~ Calvin