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Day October 10, 2010

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” ~ George Carlin

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, […]

“I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.” ~ George Carlin

“What exactly is viewer discretion? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.” ~ George Carlin

“If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?” ~ George Carlin

“We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.” ~ George Carlin

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” ~ George Carlin

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.” ~ George Carlin

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?” ~ George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” ~ George Carlin

“Think off-center.” ~ George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” ~ George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” ~ George Carlin

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” ~ George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” ~ George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.” ~ George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” ~ George Carlin

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.” ~ George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” ~ George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.” ~ George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.” ~ George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” ~ George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” ~ George Carlin

“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.” ~ George Carlin

“When will all the rhetorical questions end?” ~ George Carlin

“Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms?” ~ George Carlin

“When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.” – George Carlin

“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.”” ~ George Carlin

“There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.” ~ George Carlin

“Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.” ~ George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

“I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.” ~ George Carlin

“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.” ~ George Carlin

“I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.” ~ George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” ~ George Carlin

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.” ~ George Carlin

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ~ George Carlin

“I’d hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.” ~ George Carlin

“If you can’t beat ‘em, arrange to have ‘em beaten.” ~ George Carlin

“Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.” ~ George Carlin

“Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn’t want to touch them in the first place?” ~ George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ~ George Carlin

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” ~ George Carlin